We're broken down in Nebraska. Again.
Our equipment van began flashing it's battery light in a threatening fashion
followed by a loss of forward motion which led us to get a hotel for the
night...
... a hotel room that in my and TC's case, comes equipped with it's very own
space heater and fly swatter...
The heat doesn't work, hence the space heater... but you really need to worry
about a hotel room that comes with it's own FLY SWATTER.
That's a new one, even to me.
To quote Betty Davis, "Whatta DUMP."
Having the night off with nothing to do we went into the local town to go
bowling, but it was league night and everybody in town must be in the league
so we were firmly bounced from that notion to pass the time... and to top it
all off the cable flat-out sucks. Thank Jah for my cheap-o tour VCR and a
trusty 'Zilla film or two in the luggage... yes, I carry Godzilla films on
the road. Doesn't EVERYONE???
... but I'm not here to talk about my love of little men in big rubber suits
wrecking model railroad buildings...
As the luck of DSO runs, there's a Ford dealership about a mile away so Deb
will be getting up bright and early to go deal with the local grease-monkeys
with the intention of getting us to Boulder ontime to begin our stay at the
Fox...
Driver Debbie keeps us moving, generally. It's her main duty to make sure
everything gets where we need it to be when it needs to be there, and I've
seen her pull some driving shifts that would make an insomniac trucker cry...
She's a charming, beautiful woman who just happens to be able to kick your
ass.
I love her very much (platonically, you soap opera fans) and trust her driving
implicitly, so next time you see her in the concert hall or behind the merch
table make sure you thank her because without her and our other unsung heros
on the crew we'd all be some pretty sad characters, trying to get everything
you see and hear at a show accomplished. Nej, Debbie, Pete, Tiny, TC, and
even Lisa (who, when not singing is carrying stuff and being a go-fer, etc.)
are why we can concentrate on what it is we're there to do and they deserve
as much credit as Bryan or myself do when it comes to getting the show on...
they work their asses off long before you get there and long after you leave
to make sure we (as band members) can do our thing and you can do yours, and
they're solid-as-a-rock dependable about it...
... and still, there are headaches and heartbreaks like this... I mean... no
offense to Huskers in general but I was really hoping to wake up in the
Rockies for my day off.
You'd think that with us selling a ticket or two these days we could keep up
with our vehicle's maintenance, but occasionally stuff breaks down... that's
only to be expected from vans that have become our lock boxes, our pack
animals, and our homes. We have two fifteen passenger vans, both now dragging
trailers, and we have all staked out our little corners of each vehicle and
marked our territories... I ride in what's called The Lair, which is a bunk
built into the back of the equipment van... it it is so-named because prior
to my occupancy Dino made his home there, and we would joke about knowing
when the Dino had last been in his lair by the freshness dates of the donut
packagings found there-in, just like one of those nature documentaries.
Dino moved out of the equipment van and into our other van so I've taken over
riding in The Lair because no one else can stomach the tight quarters or the
bouncing around. It's pretty nice really, because I never have to share a
bench with anyone, I can just stretch out and sleep or watch the world roll
by. The unfortunate side is that you can't sit up at all and the road just
literally shakes it out of you some days/nights.
Oh, and mooning is impossible.
Being on the road all the time, you sometimes do juvenile things to help
break up the monotony...
Wanna hear about one?
Ya know you do... again, it's why you read my garbage. Sure, I demistify the
whole concert experience with my tech-talk and at times I'm sure you can tell
that I fancy myself some sort of "Window Of Wisdom"... but occasionally I've
just got to be a "Pipeline For Poop Jokes". I promise I'll get back to some
more informative stuff next time but Ed's been after me about this piece...
This has been written for a long time and it's been a contest in-and-of
itself whether or not I was ever going to turn it over to Eddie... there was
a lot of debate back and forth as to it's "need to be told" and what sort of
freaks it would make us out to be... but as TC said to me, years down the
line this is going to be what people want to read about... not how good we
were in concert but how depraved we got in our off-stage time.
Can't argue with that so here goes nothin'...
A long time ago, I started a Mooning War... this war was between the two
vehicles we used to tour in before we got the finely tuned machines we use
today... they were personal vehicles without the tinted windows of our
current Rock-Star Rides and they were extremely versitile... trying to get a
good moon from the vans we travel in today is pretty tough...
And yes, by "Mooning" I mean the exposure of buttocks by one person or
persons to another person or persons for purposes of amusement, editorial,
and/or general antagonization... that's not a definition I looked up or
anything, but it sounds official, don't it? Anyway, I was the first to hang
my bare ass out the window... at least I THINK the first one was a
Glass-Down, I'm not sure... there are several different sanctioned mooning
techniques and as always, this column exsists to enlighten and inform as well
as to entertain... so let me be your guide...
THE MANY PHASES OF THE MOON
The first time was, of course, a complete suprise and therefor one of the
all-time greats... I'm pretty sure it was in the midwest, that first one...
but as it went on (with Mark Corsolini and Ahmer Nizam our two old drummers
getting into the act with disturbing zeal), we had to get more and more
creative as to when and where the passing of a vehicle with "mudflaps
displayed" would occur and indeed invent variations or fall back on old
standards set forth by our ancestors...
To date we've seen examples of the Glass-Up, Glass Down, The Double, The
Slapper, The Wave, The Clapper, The Finger, and even The Turkey...
... but NEVER The Dreaded Red-Eye Shiner... it was made illegal back in 1962
in a highly publicized incident we ALL remember hearing about, I think.
For those of you unfamiliar, here's a breakdown of the In-Car Moonings above:
"Glass-Up" is often considered the weakest of the Moonings because there's
less third-party exposure potential as well as climate control, so it isn't
held in very high regard... done completely In-Car, it's the simplest of all
Moons and the one most first-timers are comfortable performing.
Glass-Down is a standard and never fails to satisfy, with big points for the
above dangers and in the case of weather conditions, bonus points for rain or
other inclement conditions. But as in a lot of sports, sometimes it's the
forgotten plays or seemingly "Short-Yardage Attempts" that can be sleepers...
there have been Europeans who've utilized the glass as an expansion surface
when doing a Glass-Up for greater area-display which is of course beneficial
to the visual impact and overall range of the Mooning... the Glass-Down is
the Mooning favored by Hollywood so it's the one most people recognize with
little or no trouble...
... no, really... I read about it in the paper recently...
Next we have The Double.
This is a Mooning that requires the precision timing of fighter pilots to
pull off satisfactorily... a large part of it's success rides in the hands of
the wheel man because getting both windows even with the target vehicle
without telegraphing the attack while retaining a safe speed and trajectory
is essential and a lot harder than it sounds... another hinderance to the
Double (or any multiple Mooning) is window tinting. Window tinting will
pretty much single-handedly prevent a Double if the aft windows don't roll
down.
The Slapper, The Wave, The Clapper and The Finger are all "hands-on"
Moonings... The Slapper is performed by first executing a Glass-Down (most of
the advanced technique Moonings begin with a Glass-Down) then with either one
or two hands vigorously swatting the glutes... again, bonus points for this
manuever during inclement weather conditions and some states do recognize a
slightly different ruling based on number of hands used (cab stability is a
hotly debated topic in the sport and one I won't go into here)...
The Wave is a Glass-Down with hand extended between the legs to gesture at
the target vehicle (either hand being OK to use), The Clapper being BOTH
hands between the legs and clapping, and, well... I guess you can figure out
The Finger from there...
The rules are sort of nonspecific when it comes to Glass-Down Doubles, l
argely due to the variety possible (one could be a Slapper while the other is
doing The Clapper... the combinations are almost endless when you add in the
"Order Of Appearance" factor too).
The two other Moonings I mentioned (The Turkey and D.R.E.) I'm going to let
go unexplained... you just don't wanna know...
But this little "tradition" we've had going for the last three years reached
a few new heights this summer as Mike Hazdra finally swung his butt out in
the breeze on a gorgeous sunny day while passing the equipment van (LISA: "I
could have lived the rest of my life without seeing THAT."), Jim Harris
baring bun off the balcony of his fifth floor on-the-beach hotel room after
being told that if he did, we would "let him in the clubhouse"...
... and I gotta tell ya... the look on his FACE when he found out there
WASN'T a clubhouse...
HA!
We laughed for DAYS about THAT one!!!
I kid Jim a lot, STILL... and I will probably write something more about him
in the future, but I'm sure that he'll read that last bit and say "What...
that's IT? A Mooning? I put in all that time with the band and all he writes
about me is showing my ASS???"
Heh... Yep.
We love you Jimmy...
Even John has hoisted heinie... ever the judicious artist, he has held his
Moons for times when I'm in a dark mood and the situation cries out for a
hero... if any of you were wondering, John's prefered technique is the
conservative Glass-Up, usually from a second-story hotel room window and
there are rarely multiple witnesses.
But the ultimate... the greatest Mooning to date... happened after a festival
this last summer as we were leaving the grounds... the road out of this
particular location was a one and-a-half lane affair with thick trees and
steep drop-offs, and as we drove quietly along someone (I think it was Bryan)
piped up "Y'know... if we were stop the van and get out and everybody lines
up and Moons Tiny's van... there'd be no way to defend... nowhere to run."
There was silence for a minute as these words sunk in, and then we all
exploded in excited grins...
"It's perfect. We gotta do this... WE GOTTA..."
So we did.
Rob Koritz, Dino, Hazdra, Tiny, and Kelli watched with confusion that
blossomed into full-blown horror as we all filed out of the van, lined up in
their headlights, and dropped trou'... everyone free-formed on the particular
style used as there had been no discussion beyond doing the Moon in the first
place, but rest assured... it was QUITE a sight...
... I personally went for The Turkey with a Slapper (two-handed, of course)
follow-up...
There was stunned silence followed by the erruption of applause and whooping,
honking of horn...
We had unleashed a mass Mooning that would turn the tides and end the war...
there hasn't been a Mooning since... no point... where do you go when you've
reached such a one-ness with the universe?
... maybe you go to Seward, Nebraska.
Or Boulder, Colorado.
... or YOUR town... where do YOU live? Mind if we stay at YOUR place awhile???
How's the heat? Got bug trouble? What about golf courses? Do you like
Godzilla?
Is it league night?
See you soon, Boogie-Chilluns!!!