One of the things you ask yourself when you commit to something such as the
DSO or, say... the Moonies... is "Am I doing the right thing?" or "Is a shaved
head the right look for me?"...
...at least the Moonies eat healthy...
After a gig there isn't much to look at because it's dark... combine that with
the study in "Boring" that passes for the midwest landscape and you've got
novocaine for the synapses ten-fold... you're excited when you see flashing
lights on a radio relay tower and you find yourself staring at that point or
set of points in space as if the Blessed Virgin herself (I speak of course, of
my mom) had just appeared and told you to "Snap Into A Slim Jim©!!!" (OK, so I
might have inhaled A BIT...), but then you realize you're responding to the
same sort of "Oooooo look a shiny object" stimulus which works so well on
Walleye, Bass, Trout, and people who listen to Rush Limbaugh...
I'm riding shotgun for Scott, Jen is in the back and our long-time Jeepster
Ahmer is riding shotgun in the equipment van for Karen... as I told you in my
last installment we are "13 Strong & Four Vehicles Long" but it don't stay
that way... The strong get weak and the union is divided, and as I see this
whole plan lose it's cohesiveness and become a shapeless chaotic mess I think
back to the loading dock of the Barrymore Theater... where we all vowed to
stay together on the highway no matter what, where we swore to each other that
nothing would separate us, that there was STRENGTH IN NUMBERS, DAMMIT...
...and Mike Hazdra came forth with this sage observation:
"Bullshit."
How right he was...
The equipment van dropped out of sight stopping for gas but luckily we all
knew the directions and which motel we were staying at... Scott turned the
helm over to me shortly into Indiana and when we stopped for gas I noticed
that they had packets of ephedrine pills behind the counter. I'm not a huge
coffee drinker in the first place and the mud you find at gas stations in the
middle of the night is NOT coffee so much as water and re-used filters...
John had told me about taking ephedrine to stay alert before so I got a packet
and washed a pill down with two iced coffee drinks... I don't recommend this
little cocktail...
Ephedrine is one of the components of crank (also known as Crystal Meth or
Biker Coke) and it's effects are sorta nasty... you get this sort of metallic
taste in the back of your mouth that doesn't go away and you get really talkie
like a Chatty Kathy doll whose string is stuck... I passed the time doing my
"Bad Morning DJ" voice along with the guy on the radio that was (no kidding)
announcing Bluegrass tunes like it was a classic rock station.
Now, I'm not saying that because the music was hay-seed that the DJ ought to
be, but this guy sounded like the next thing he was gonna say was
"HeyHowYaDooooin' everybody... That was Doc Watson with 'Smoke On The Water'
here on the Laaaaa-zer 103.4 fm... gonna be right back with Flatt & Skruggs'
'Owner Of A Lonely Heart' after this word from Bucky's Bait Stop..."
He was hilarious... I however, probably wasn't... I felt so damned PERKY...
like the "Who Put A Quarter In YOU???" kind of perky... the "Slap Me Until I
Shut Up" kind of perky (which, by the way, Scott came dangerously close to
doing)... eeeg ... and when you take the stuff, it lasts like, five hours...
...I was only about two hours into the dose of ephedrine when we arrived in
Cincinnati at our hotel around 10:30a and we had a "scheduled" (there it is
again, that word) load-in at 4pm. We all crawled into our rooms and crashed...
everyone but ME, that is... I had the theme to 'Green Acres' running unbidden
and out of control through my mind... over and over and over again...
I finally did get some sleep according to Jen, who called my snore "cute"...
... yeah... the rest of us scratched our heads at that one too... don't feel
alone...
Anyway we finally coaxed Maraat from his room around 3:30p and we got to
Bogart's at 4pm to be told they'd be ready for us in an hour (everything
seemed to be running an hour behind this trip)... so we went in search of food
and a Golden Tee machine (half the band is HORRIBLY addicted to video golf)
and found both right up the street from the loading elevator. Sweeeet...
Bogart's is a HALL... it's roughly the size of a hockey rink and the big stage
is about neck high off the floor with a big PA and a nice big Yamaha board (of
the same class as the Barrymore's, Double Door's, etc.), and big security
guys... everything was just BIG... Mickey Hart had just played there two
nights or so before us and Ratdog was coming in a couple of weeks so we were
sandwiched in between two Dead heavy-weights...
Soundcheck was a hurried process and I wasn't happy AT ALL with what I had
built mix-wise but I wasn't going to let on to the band (who're generally
neurotic enough without my help)... so I shut the channels, put on the house
music, and began formulating "just what the Hell" I was gonna try and fix
during the first song...
'Cold Rain & Snow' is a blessing for this sort of situation... because of the
way the song starts it's easier to place things as they fall in... and the
band runs through some rare tunes such as 'Tons Of Steel', 'High Time', and a
pretty bouncy 'Push Comes To Shove' ... in front of about seventy people who
made tall noise after each song despite their numbers...
The second set opened with 'Crazy Fingers' and there was a hot 'Playin' in
there before the highlight of my weekend, 'China Doll'... those who have read
my ramblings on the DNC about this song know I have a real soft spot when it
comes around, and this was one of those versions that caused goosebumps...
The elective 'Stranger' proved two things:
1) That the DSO are great at what they do, and
2) That Bogarts' Lighting Guy thinks I'm a lying sack of monkey shit (sorry
mom) when I said the elective would be short (in fact I believe I left myself a
loophole by saying "probably short")...
... after all, we WERE following the SCHEDULE...
'Stranger' was long and slinky and the band left the stage having gotten it's
point across to more than a few folks, who's numbers were dwarfed by fact that
the place was so BIG...
It was good talking to a few folks after the show who had some kind words and
then we packed up our gear to head back to the motel and drink a few beers
with John's mom... she was hanging around on the stage after the show and I
made some supremely crass jokes... I live for first impressions... which is
why his sister probably thinks I'm the Twit Of The Year... dang if she ain't
closer to the truth than she thinks, got the ribbons to prove it...
So as I'm ambling my gear towards the elevator I hear Corso telling someone
how to properly break down his drums and I turn to find Jenny working on his
hardware...
...lemme rephrase that...
Corso has talked Jenny into drum roadie, and so I debate this with Mark... I
think I said something to the effect of "The HELL if yer takin' MY sound
trainee, Monkey-Man"...
... the drumstick is scheduled to be removed this week and I should be able to
sit down a week or two after that... thanks for asking...
Anyway, the band wanted to know why I had exclusive rights to Nej and
intimated that perhaps if she works for the sound crew, I would be generous
enough as to pay her way on tour, and that maybe when she learns enough from
me she can just step into my job...
So I did the only thing I could to defend what's mine... I told her to
continue learning about packing drums... I love Jenny but she ain't gettin' my
job, 'cause then I'd have to go back to selling oranges on the off ramps...
One further note - The house techs said that we had nothing to load out
compared to the previous night's act... when I asked who could possibly have
more crap than us, one security guy volunteered the information... "prop-comic
Carrot Top"... true story...
So we get back to the rooms after getting a bit lost, Jenny and I are
obsessing over Waffle House food and we never do get any proper food... but
Nej had peanut butter cheese crackers and saved us from turning into the
Donner Party... Scott had bought and iced two cases of beer from a local micro
and we hung out until at least 4:00a "blowing off steam" hanging out with
John's mom, who I'm convinced believes her son is working with a looney toon
(I speak of course, of Corso)... actually, I had her laughing pretty good and
she figured out I was harmless in my rantings and ramblings... one of my ideas
was to get naked and go out and walk around in the empty pool next to the
rooms and when someone found me and asked what I was doing look at them really
seriously and say "Skinny Dippin'... Wa'zzit Look Like?"...
...well, it was funnier after about six or seven beers, but then again so's an
insurance seminar...
But when you drink a few beers you need munchies so we venture out into the
hallways to find the machines we KNOW exist... the ones with (ick) Andy Capp
Hot Fries, chips, cookies, and the occasional pocket comb... and we found
Vending Valhala right by the desk, which is a shame because the machines
needed to be worked over Chicago-Style (banged, beaten, broken and such)...
see, there were not one but two dispensers for Grandma's Oatmeal Cookies...
but it's one of those machines that cork-screws the items forward and they
drop to the bottom... well, it dropped the "cork" part of it's routine and
simply SCREWED us...see the trouble is that BOTH columns of cookies got fouled
and we lost approximately $2.00 trying to right the situation non-violently
which just goes to show you that throwing money at a problem doesn't help...
but a cinderblock, NOW yer talkin' "Problem Solved"... I'm telling you, if
that damn machine was back home it would be scrap metal...
Now riddle me this, folks... why is it that those of us who stayed up drinkin'
were outa bed and reasonably chipper and those who crashed right when we got
back (Maraat, Sprout, Hazdra) were the toughest to flush from their caves??? I
ran into Mike Hazdra's room and gave him the ol' "Saturday Morning Cartoons
and I've Had Waaaaaaaay Too Many Bowls Of CoCo Pebbles" bed bounce... followed
by the Pro Wrestler Elbow Drop... later I heard that before we got to
breakfast Hazdra had put a bounty on my head for this juvenile display...
We couldn't find one place to get food that wasn't bogged down with people so
we finally landed at a Bob Evans' which had a Spago-type waiting list ("Two
non-smoking? how's next May look for you?") and a Toys 'R' Us across the
street which some of us eyed with childlike impatience until Scott said "Oh...
jeez... go ahead, but we're sitting in 15 minutes and you kids better be back
or no food..." and we all took off running... after all, Rob had been
improperly eating PEZ candy (no dispenser, can you BELIEVE HIM???) and Jenny
and I went hunting for a new version of WipeOut (see the Barrymore entry of
RR) my roommate claims exists...
Note To Roommate: Hey Mouse - About that "new version" of WipeOut? To Quote Mr.
Hazdra...
"Bullshit."
... and Mike & Sprout got lost in the "Winnie the Pooh" Gear isle...
WADDAYA WANT??? WE WERE BORED...
So we get back to the Bob Evans' and the rest of the band is STILL waiting to
get seated...
... schedules, schedules, schedules... the drive home was pretty dull and
without incident, and I'm gonna leave it at that... Nej and I went home and
played a few rounds of WipeOut and then parted company and I took out my
schedule book to see what the week would bring... let's see here, work the
surprise Los Lobos show at Martyrs' Monday, Tuesday is DSO at Martyrs',
Wednesday is tape duplication for Peoria, Thursday we head to DeKalb, Friday is
Champaign, Saturday is Peoria....
... and I have nada in the clean clothes department...
Here we go again....